Parents, children, and divorce

Responding to the special needs of children when their parents divorce requires knowledge, planning, and sensitivity.

by Tom Cloyd, M.S., M.A. - Counselor / Psychotherapist - Bellingham, Washington -- (360) 920-1226 - email: tc (AT) tomcloyd.com (please read about content licensing)

Introduction

Life has a number of unforeseen disasters. Divorce is one of them. I have worked with a number of my clients on problems relating to a divorce in their family. From these very private discussions, my notes about them, and my thought about the problem in general come the following ideas, observations, and suggestions.

This is not an attempt to address the subject comprehensively, although a great many facets of it are taken up here. You will find here simply what appear to many of us to be some sound notions about managing one aspect of a divorce. There are other good ideas to be found in other places, and you should certainly seek them as well.

Divorce - a too-common misfortune for children

No one enters marriage expecting a divorce, but it happens anyway - to about half of the couples who attempt marriage. If it happens to you, and you have children, you probably don't want them to be hurt by the divorce. This is impossible. Divorce hurts. But, you can do a LOT to minimize the hurt.

Divorcing parents have a number of new challenges to master. Precisely the same is true for their children, who have much less to work with when facing these challenges. Parents can be immeasurably helpful to their children during this trying time, if they pay attention to the special needs of their children. Some areas of challenge are more important than others, including the concerns taken up here.

Be realistic: "Good enough" is fine

You don't have to be a perfect parent - "good enough" will usually work. In the best of times, life isn't perfect and neither are we. We're all used to this, and can live with it, up to a point. Adversity is not something with which children are unfamiliar - they usually cry at birth, after all. What is to be avoided is adversity which is emotionally overwhelming for them. You are their principal protection against this.

Avoid disasters, and provide reasonable emotional support, and you'll probably see your children move through the experience fairly well. Should that not happen, the response that will work best for both child and parent is for the parent to recognize it quickly and take action to bring the child back to a reasonably calm state.

Your children's view of the divorce

If you haven't asked them about it, you probably don't have the whole story. Powerlessness is a part of childhood, but in few things is a child as powerless as they are in confronting their parents' divorce. Unless one parent is pretty abusive, and sometimes even then, they will probably see the divorce as a world class disaster. Older children can handle the news better, typically, but it's still very likely going to turn their world upside down. They tend to take their parents for granted. They're kids - they get parents. This makes sense at the deepest level.

Then, suddenly it breaks apart, and this does not and cannot make sense. It can be very frightening, bewildering, shameful, and finally, sad, from the child's point of view.

Some children feel particularly ignored when divorce happens. No one consults them - it really isn't their decision, certainly, but when it affects them without their having any chance to change the course of events, the logical conclusion for the child is that they - their feelings, their world - do not matter. That this oversimplifies a complex situation will probably NOT occur to them.

So, it's reasonable to be particularly concerned about any children caught up in a divorce. Howsoever hard it may be for you, it very likely is worse for them - something parents may not realize. Fortunately, armed with a little knowledge, you can make a BIG difference in their lives, as they progress through this emotional earthquake.

Avoid this one mistake, if nothing else

What is quickest way to damage your child in a divorce? Stop being their actively-involved parent. Parental abandonment would be an experience they probably have never had before, so they will not know what how to cope with it - at all. The younger the child, the more likely they will see it as essentially a death threat - loss of their primary support system, with which they have never been without, and without which they cannot image surviving. Do not give your child this experience. Stay on the job. Divorce your spouse if you must. Do not divorce your children.

Give the greatest gift first

What is the most important thing you can do for your child? Create a zone of safety and comfort around yourself, and invite you child into it. Think of the little chick tucking in under its mother's wing. Provide that sheltering wing. It is the single greatest gift you can give your child - a way to return to the safety and peace which they knew before they were born. Think about this carefully. It is virtually impossible to overemphasize its importance, and it is something that either parent can do with equal facility and effect.

Work simply to accept whatever they're feeling, while gently correctly errors in perception about the past, present, or future. Above all, bring to your child your own quiet inner peace, to whatever degree you can achieve this state. Your child can move into that peace, and thus learn slowly how to make that transition themselves. This is the absolute core of "emotional support", so be clear about what it is, how to do it, and why to do it.

This gift is important for children of all ages, but absolutely CRITICAL for young children. Attend with particular care to them, before all else.

Think through your priorities

What do you want for your child? Many parents would say that they want their children simply to be happy - a reasonable goal. Happiness normally is variable, and during divorce you may well see your children's mood vary more than usual, revealing the stress they're feeling.

Consider that children can be happy with little, if what they DO have is the "right stuff". This is much more likely to happen if you have your priorities straight. What children need most of all is parents they can count on for essential emotional support, and a life that provides them with stimulus for their growth - in other words, an interesting life.

What your children really want

They cannot necessarily tell you what this is, of course, but it's not hard to figure out. Absolute first on the list is a sense of security, and it is precisely this which is threatened when parents break up their marriage. Children, even teenagers, virtually always know that the world is much bigger than they are, and that they cannot survive on their own. They simply must have support from someone who is more knowledgeable and powerful than they are.

More than that, they must believe that this support can be counted on. Losing a parent strikes at the heart of this belief. You must strike back, actively, and as often as it takes, by actively asserting the fact that you are, and will be, IN their lives, continuing to actively parent them. They may ask for many things, some of them utterly impossible. Give them this one thing above all else - something that IS possible, and is in fact the greatest gift from parent to child: the faith that you are committed to their welfare, and will be at their side as they grow up, to the best of your ability.

Expect and respect individuality in your child

Children are individuals, and need individual responses from parents. The stress of divorce is never a good thing for a child. Expect them to respond to it in ways that well may be unique to each child. Some children are more robust than others, and about one in four tends to be emotionally "tender" or fragile - they will need extra care and attention. Be attentive to individual differences in vulnerability, and in capacity to adapt to challenge. Give special attention to those who show that they need it.

Expect confusion in your child

They will not be able to make adequate sense of what's happening to them, in relation to the divorce. You're probably having that trouble yourself, right? It's much more of a problem for them. They will almost certainly be unable to figure why their parents are splitting up. From their point of view, it will most likely be incomprehensible. You don't need to try to fix this, and you probably cannot, anyway.

Beyond that problem is a larger one: they have never known anything but dependence upon their parents. They're not ready to be independent, yet they appear to be losing a parent. They cannot predict how much of a loss it will be, and that's frightening.

What they need is not an explanation, but an assurance - that you will remain their active parent. THAT they can come to understand - work to see that they do. Assure them verbally, certainly, but it's more important by far that you walk the talk. This is far more important than trying to make sense of the divorce itself to your child.

Expect inappropriate thinking in your child

Struggling with the incomprehensible, they will at times reach very incorrect conclusions. They will think they caused the break up. They will think they can get their parents back together. They will think that if one parent leaves, the other will too.

It is difficult to predict all the irrational thought your child might have. When you identify something incorrect about their perception of their situation, you can work to correct it. More important than that, however, is that they see and FEEL you as a present force in their life, attending to them when they are hurting in any significant way. You don't have to be a saint. Just be present, and compassionate.

Reliable structure calms and supports a child

Provide assurance of security by providing reliable, adequate structure. Many studies have shown the great value to children under stress of reliable daily and weekly "signposts". Regular meal times, predictable bedtime rituals, homework help and checkups - all the things that tell them that their parent is "on deck" and doing his or her job. These are surprisingly important as indicators of the fact that they are secure, that life goes on, and they with it, and that they can have some degree of faith that things will continue this way.

Stay close to your child, even if you're far away

If you're the absent parent, work to close the distance to your children. This has never been easier, in our technological society. With cell phones, Internet-facilitated video "messaging" (visiting, really), you can rather easily be a presence in your children's lives. They need to know you are watching out for their welfare, ask about the night's homework, about school, about the dog, etc.

Provide this presence, even if from the other side of the world, and they will usually adapt reasonably well to your absence. Give them physical reminders too - little notes, small remembrances, photos - anything to help them "touch" you - a real and fundamental need for a child. Invite and encourage them to actively connect with you - to call you, and write you. Nourish the connection, for it gives life.

Offer, and seek, cooperative with and from the other parent of your children

Parents do best when they act like "grown-ups", most particularly in relation to their children. This may be hard at times, as it will require you to put aside difficult feelings you may well have toward your child's other parent. Regrettably, differences you had before the divorce will predictably become more challenging during and after the breakup, so expect this and allow for it.

Work to keep in both your minds your common concern for the welfare of your children. Work at dialog often about what is best for the children. When you disagree, work hard to be a peacemaker, and to calm down feelings, so that you can both participate in making good decisions, and in working as the parenting team your children really do need. In particular:

• Rather than create a larger problem, postpone discussion. Just walk away for a bit. If you can't be calm, be absent. This is very "grown-up" behavior. Postponement is not abdication or defeat. It most likely is maturity manifesting itself. You won't have to heal wounds you never create.
• Actively ask for the other parent's help. Invite them to think with you. Ask their advice (this will tend to produce a cooperative response.) If nothing else, pretend like you're getting along, and it will help you to actually make it happen.
• When they do something helpful, right, good, positive, be certain to reward them. In this way, you will help to train them to behave well. Seriously. People like to be rewarded, and will work for it, even if only subconsciously.
• Keep your conflicts between yourselves, and preferably as out-of-sight as possible. Fighting parents disturb children. They simply do not benefit in any way from witnessing serious conflict between the two most important people in their lives.
• About really important things, especially, work hard to present a united front to your children. If you do not do this, you risk fighting each other through your children, and this is extremely unfair. In no way should your children become caught up in your struggles.
• Do not communicate with each other through your children. Ever. This is involving them in something that is not their business, and will confuse and ultimately threaten them, as they will tend eventually to want to take sides. If they do that, they will, in effect, lose a parent. If you have something to say to your ex-spouse, speak directly to them.
• Do not assassinate your children's other parent in front of them. They most likely need that parent, and want them in their life. In any case, it's their decision, so don't sabotage them. If you do, they will have to make a choice, eventually. Again, this is very unfair. If you can't say something nice, silence works really well.
• If you manage to work well with your ex-spouse, do not be surprised to learn that your children are secretly hoping you will get back together. This is an extremely common fantasy for children in divorce, and is entirely understandable. All children want an intact, functioning family. You can say to a child, "I know that is what you would like. I understand. We can't do that, but I want you to know that we will always be your parents and will always watch you and love you and take care of you." Remember that the child's core concern is always their own survival (and this is very appropriate). Address that, preferably in multiple ways, and it will be most helpful for your child.

Care for yourself - your children will benefit, too

Managing well your own physical and mental health is very important for the welfare of your children. It is quite common for divorcing parents to have mental health problems. At best, they will feel discouraged. (Some may also feel relieved, of course.) Fearfulness about the future, and depression about oneself and one's situation are probably the most common responses. Expect this, and work actively to manage it well.

Your children respond in a major way to your mood and your feelings. What do you want to offer them? How are you going to create the state of mind tat will produce that mood and those feelings? Giving serious thought to these matters can pay large dividends, if it results in children who feel supported by you emotionally because they can feel your inner stability and sense of faith in the future. Relative to this issue, what you do for yourself you do for them as well.

Consider the following in particular :

• During divorce, you will have unusual needs for emotional support. Healthy contact with your children can certainly provide some of this. It is good for you to see how important you are to them. However, your primary emotional support must come from other adults.
• Be very careful not to let mental distress lead to physical neglect, which can lead to illness. Eating poorly (infrequently, and poor quality food), not sleeping enough, exercising little or not at all - any of these factors can create a depressed mental state. That, in turn, will tend to lead to more physical neglect. This downward spiral should be anticipated and proactively prevented. Act to stay physically healthy whether or not you feel like taking such action. It's crucially important.
• Physical activity is a high priority response to any stress. Mere vigorous walking, which can be done in practically any weather, will help you sleep better, eat better, feel more energy, relax the big muscles in your body, and feel like you really can be proactive in taking care of yourself. If you do only one thing to take care of yourself, do this! (And support it with decent eating and adequate sleep.)
• Your social support needs will increase, so seek out this support. Asking for and getting such support is often easier for women than for men, but either can have trouble doing this. For both, it's still a very good idea. "Social support" here simply means spending time with people who like and value you in some way. This type of emotional support will help you retain a realistic view of yourself. Research has also show that it has a strong positive effect on both physical and mental health.
• Be very sure to acknowledge, to yourself, what you are doing that is good for your children. Start with very small things. Just give yourself honest praise. You're in need of reasons to feel good, and this need is completely legitimate. If you have trouble with this, just remember that if it's good for your own mental health, it assuredly helps your children.
• It may well be wise to get a little professional counseling, if only to get periodic "reality checks". This can be reassuring, helpful, and a source of great comfort, all of which will benefit for your children, indirectly.

Be an early-responder to your child's problems

Watch for problems with your children, and respond early rather than late. This surprisingly simply idea is an excellent way to convey to your children that they have not lost their parents. Never forget that little problems are so very much easier to deal with than what will happen if you let them become large.

Most often, problems start with a child's having difficult feelings which just don't resolve. This will commonly lead to acting-out, levels of distraction that seriously impair normal function, and possibly desperate attempts to change their feelings (depression, aggression, drugs, sex, etc.). If you can't tell whether or not you're seeing a problem, get a consultation with an expert. It's cheap insurance.

If you don't know what else to do, at least see that you don't make the problem worse. You can make it worse if you lose control of your own feelings in relation to the child, for example. Anger from a parent is very rarely of benefit to the child.

In addition, merely expressing concern to the child (if appropriate), and waiting to see what develops can often lead to clarification, if not resolution, of the problem. Whether it does or not, it does tell the child that they are not alone, and this is very important to virtually all children.

Pay attention to specific indicators of trouble

If your child isn't looking, sounding, and acting healthy, investigate. Different children will likely show that they're in trouble in somewhat different ways. In any case, figure out what's going on, and work to fix the problem, if there is one. Get help if you need to. No matter what, you're still the parent, so stay "on-task"! You'll be grateful you did, and your children will thank you, sooner or later.

Consider the following:

• Moodiness that does not resolve reasonably quickly indicates the child is becoming overwhelmed with something. Depending upon the age of the child, and their personality, this may be challenging to investigate, but do it anyway (gently and persistently). A child in emotional trouble simple needs an adult to respond - to do for them what they understandably cannot do for themselves.
• Don't ignore the usual indicators of a child-in-trouble: problems in school work completion or quality, increases in verbal/physical conflicts with other children, withdrawal from normal family activities (other than that which may be age appropriate in adolescence), and anything that may indicate the beginning of drug use.
• Divorce is typically more difficult for boys than for girls, who at all ages tend to recover from emotional challenges more quickly than do boys. Boys may need special attention.
• Remember that it may take time for a problem to show up, with children. They can "incubate" problems for a time, and manifest their disturbance in the future.

Use a child's sense of time to their advantage

When a child is unhappy, pay attention. If you have time, make a space in your day, and invite your child into it. Or invite them to come help you in some way. Or agree to give them some time in the near future (the sooner the better). Attend. Put out the fire while it's small.

Children live in short time spans. Use this to help them. Simple things can fill an hour, and thereby a mind, with happiness. They can also create an important moment of joyful connection with a parent. These things are extremely important to a child who is struggling to figure out what is happening to their world.

Under normal circumstances, roughly 80% or more of a child's life should be filled with productive engagement with their world. This means exploration, play, talk, laughter, sharing feelings, testing their strength (verbally and otherwise) - in other words, the usual things we expect healthy children to be doing. These things are even more important to children in divorce, so see that they happen. Encourage them to drink deeply of the moments of happiness that pass through life - by doing it yourself. It's a good habit anyway, but particularly important in stressful times.

Perspective is precious - create it, nourish it

Stress destroys perspective; work actively to get it back. This happens largely because the mind is a small place - consciousness fills up quickly. It doesn't take a lot of bad feelings to crowd out virtually everything else. What can you do to get your perspective back? You need to know, and to do it, because your children will likely be having the problem at least at much as you are. Probably the all-around best way to reduce stress and regain perspective is to go for a walk with a friend, thus combining exercise, social support, and a change of setting. A simple and usually remarkably effective tactic.

Gratitude corrects perspective, so find something to be grateful about. Counting blessings is an exceptionally good thing to do in difficult times. Do it often, and teach your children to do this as well. This is as much as anything an attitude, a refusal to yield to darkness in the mind. Children are so much more weak than their parents, typically. Parents have, here, a real leadership opportunity. Lead - and by example above all else.

Becoming overwhelmed by negative feelings will occur repeatedly, most likely, as you move through the divorce transition. Watch for this problem, and work at learning to correct your perspective. At first you may be poor at this. Do it anyway, and keep doing it. Learn to do it better, then to do it well. Lead your children away from a dark view of themselves and their world. They deserve more than that, and you can see that they get it.

Acknowledgments

"Steal one person's work - that's plagiarism. Steal the work of fifty - that's research!" I've lost count of the people who've contributed in various ways to the ideas here, whether they knew it or not.

I've seen the concern my clients have for children, and I know well what I feel on the subject. The dialogs they and I have had about their children have distinctly shaped my thinking. Most striking is the need I see in them to feel assured that they are doing the right thing, that they are doing enough, that their children will be OK in the future. Not necessarily easy to achieve, this goal is still worth as much effort as we can give it.

So, in many ways, my clients are the inspiration, the prime source, the first and last reason for this document. They want to "get it right", and I want to help focus their energies so they can get the greatest return for their efforts. One product of this joint effort is this document.

Recent decades in developmental psychology and developmental neuropsychiatry have seen a critically important shift in our understanding of what children really need. We now know that top priority, after physical safety and health, is parental involvement in helping children learn to manage their own feelings. The contributors to this understanding are many. Equally important are those who work to apply the new understandings to the real worlds of child care, education, child psychotherapy, and divorce counseling, and others. We can have reasonable assurance that we now doing better work in these fields than has been done in the past.

Finally, I want to express my deep gratitude to clients of mine who read this document and offered me their comments, and to my two sisters - Gwyn and Sally, who gave me very thoughtful, useful, and appreciated insights and advice concerning what I've written here. I gave great consideration to all of their feedback, and I'm still revising this, in response to it.